defining the power couple

i have vague recollections of intense homo pangs for my middle school classmates and daydreaming about the occasional composite caucasian dude. by the time i started acting out on my fantasies, however i was angry at my uppity white prep schoolers so black men became the objects of my affection. in my early 20s i found fancy with the cuban and puerto rican lot until my hispanic predilections turned continental. my mexican phase was generally followed by a hankering for half-white asians, who look mexican but are culturally more compatible. unfortunately they also tend to be annoying so it made sense that during my recent trips to asia i realized that pure mongoloids define hotness.

recent reflection arose concern that my changing preferences were institutional racism at work. maybe, but the more obvious explanation is that my taste has always reflected my evolving racial identity (and narcissism ;). in asian american studies and liberal arts theoretical masturbation land, nuthin says self-hate like a caucasian bf. sure white people are a mess and lawd knows id feel self conscious skipping down madison avenue alongside my white knight, but im bored with people being personally hurt by who some stranger dates. sure its sad that the majority of asians find the mirrors reflection unattractive and no, its not a coincidence that finding sexy and masculine asian men on tv is still a surprise (thanks, yul!). but who really knows why eugene is dating kyle, and ultimately, why do i care? truth is that some of my asian brothers and sisters will find empowering interracial unions whereas others just want their orifices colonized. i bid everyone good luck and gods speed.

why are whiteys the only unempowering complement anyway? unlike us, black and latino guys are cast as super sexual and masculine. thats racist but it still suggests that the only purely politically righteous coupling is two asians... unless one of em is japanese, of course. in the end im upset by the illness but uninterested in the symptoms. instead of flashing stink eye at 'bad asians' time is better spent discouraging asian men from affirming their masculinity through an ill-fitting (white) paradigm.

truth is, on average asian guys are shorter and slimmer than most blacks, whites and latinos. on average we are less hairy, have softer skin and smaller dicks. the dominant paradigm classifies all of these characteristics as less masculine. in response many of us abandon hope and become campy cariacatures or we flirt with the other extreme and worship the gym until we look bubbly, weird and transparently insecure. as a gay asian-ish man who identifies strongly as both gay and a man but who isnt particularly small, smooth or soft, i think medium-sized, smooth and soft guys are - stop the presses - irresistibly hot. instead of mutating our bodies to fit anothers ideal can we do the ironically easier thing and aspire for something that appreciates our natural state? confidence is alluring. when we start finding ourselves hot others will too.

in my experience self-perception and defining whats hot (physical and not) are interrelated and are moving targets. date, fuck and cohabitate with who you want. as you indulge in your reflexive desires however consider your patterns (racial and otherwise) to see whats empowering vs narcissistic or overcompensating? whats self-hate vs happenstance? if you do this, then i wont feel responsible to do it for you. healthy relationships contribute to making happy, confident and mature adults who simultaneously empower themselves and their people while not taking others dating preferences personally. its cold outside and spooning generates remarkable heat, so get to it!

finding resolution

although i left asia 2+ weeks ago its early this morning on my last day in seattle that my fall travel escapade comes to a close. in a few hours i will be back in chicago surreally repeating my pre-asia routine. with precious little time left, im glad to be looped up on booze even as it exacerbates my persistent cough. why am i drunk you ask? its thanks to a debaucherous night just completed with jon and kimi that started slow but whose finale was ripped and roaring.

kimi and i worked together in mavins early days. jon was an intern and through him we met jpo. the four of us formed an uncommon bond we coined the xbox to symbolize our electric connections to each other and to our collective (think of a box with an x in the middle connecting its corners rather than a microsoft game console). they were heady times. i hadnt thought it would appear in that form but the xbox finally granted pants his posse, if only for a hot second. unfortunately (inevitably?) we were immature and self involved. we confused boundaries of friendship, romance and lust. the xbox proved too volatile and it combusted in a protracted mess of hurted feelings, egos and relationships.

its been a long road back and although the xbox is forever dead, tonight felt like the successful culmination of slow and steady reconciliation. along the way each of us got some of the explicit and implied 'im sorrys' we needed but we also let some of the yucky energy go thereby demonstrating the benefit of time and maturity. all of us are in the midst of dynamic life transitions. kimi got married, jon is moving to germany with his man, jpo is in japan caring for her mother and im, well... doing my thing. in short order we will find ourselves in four different time zones or continents so its fitting that we make our peace.

in this season of resolutions i feel so fresh and so clean to have this debacle resolved. sure there will always be regrets even tho i know it couldnt have transpired differently. but with judith bjini symposiums (jons alter ego) and pride 2007 reunions in the works the future bodes us well. when i arrive back in chicago tomorrow im inspired to revisit a list of things old and new to work on. new years resolutions are good in theory even if they arent ultimately fulfilled. theres always value in seeing previous priorities and if/how/why they were met or ignored.

good grief

about an hour ago i asked my father if he knew i was gay, which i guess was just one of any number of ways to come out. as with all of my 'hello, im homo' moments, it was uneventful and accompanied by unconditional affirmation. yea. the disclosure was as spontaneous as waiting 6 years after having already told everyone else important in my life could be. this morning my heretofore failure to tell him seemed bizarre and wimpy.

rows of dormant pinot

i assumed he already knew. he said he didnt. the line immediately preceding the question was another one: 'can i ask you a funny question?' he replied, 'funny haha or funny peculiar?' hes predictable and in retrospect of course he would have asked that. i said, 'potentially both.' lookin back my transparent strategy was to couch my homoness as a foregone conclusion to make a dramatic reaction less likely. to his credit he did the perfect supportive parent response- along the lines of 'whats important is that he loves me and just wants me to be happy.' he surprised me by asking if i had someone special in my life. even more peculiar was him saying, ' i thought u were going to drop a different bombshell.' my response, 'like what?' was met by a 'i dont know'. we left it at that. oh the unsaid world of men.

we spent the next thirty minutes walking around his vineyard discussing bird hunting and grapevines as we always do. it didnt feel like denial or an awkward attempt at normalcy.

despite what was an important action on my part and a satisfying response on his, i feel overwhelming sadness. as i drove away i felt full and heavy with grief. tho an unexpected reaction, on the bright side these surprising, undeniable emotions remind me im alive. my lame spin on descartes would be 'i feel before i think, therefore i am,' but there is truly something comforting about being overwhelmed by a surge of emotions before being able to pinpoint their source. attributing emotions after the fact also seems like good training for how to empathize with others.

i need more time to think. writing about it is distracting me and altering that process. what seems obvious is that my reaction isnt about coming out per se. its about my father being the last to know. not so much because i feared his reaction as that i wanted to suggest that his reaction had little relevance to my life given our distant and superficial relationship. in that sense waiting all this time was a passive but still harsh 'fuck you.' for some time ive known that i harbor an enormous sense of loss at not having a father. recognizing this void and trying different ways to fill it are familiar pursuits. if nothing more, this was an unexpected opportunity to grieve.

well, im in the sunset presbyterian church parking lot and its presentation time. these emotions in tandem with sudafed and robitussin should make for a good show. ahoy.

my hometown: prettier than urs

on the heels of my speed dating excursion through asia im finding growing evidence that mr pants is segueing into a... gasp... relationship mindset. find me a salary man and knock me up... its baby time! this heretofore bizarre idea took hold in tokyo when lady poulson said she was no longer ltr-averse. and to think i was just starting to enjoy enjoying being single. but heck, if ms transient coochie is ready to settle down then i is too. at first glance traditional boundaries suggest that my helter skelter present and future are ill-suited for settling down. but if those unmistakeable tremors of love hit, beware of collapsing infrastructure as all will be in flux.

in the meantime, here are some pretty sunset pics from seattles waterfront park. theres nuthin like natural cliches to make me feel empowered about being corny. im off to portland!





more seattle photos here.