a suggestion longing for companionship

im in a comfortable rental apartment in nycs upper west side listening as the ac unit propped under my bedroom window stops raindrop freefall. with 8 inches falling in just 24 hours, its nycs wettest day on record. rain like this is a good meditation on letting go and accepting greater forces than your own. yes, im very wet and uncomfortable, yes with every step my new pretty shoes become trash, but life really aint so hard.

being alone in an apt (as opposed to a hotel room) reminds me of my recent past in seattle and my near future in seoul. over the past few months in chicago ive become accustomed to the sounds of someone else in the kitchen, someone else changing tv channels or my nieces sleepy breathing over the baby monitor. but when alone, its just me and mother nature who decide when/what noise is made and this largely quiet, controlled environment is the sound of independence. of all the senses, i think sound is what i most associate with loneliness... with touch a close second. tho loneliness has been a recurring theme im still not sure if i am. 'independent' sounds better anyway ;)

tonight i had dinner with a good guy i met two nights prior when cuz and i met up with chuckles, cindybro, justin and co. over moist peruvian meats we shared a conversation laden with personal content and virtually void of alcohol. this mix conceived a different, often serious vibe not typically associated with a flirting-our-way-into-each-others-pants routine. what was typical however was my exaggerated disappointment with where things were left, my pondering about whatifs, and me wondering why im so eager for obsessive/exclusive puppy love... perhaps i should rebrand it as 'hopeless romanticism'? ah, words.

on that note lately ive been imagining how appearance / behavior / mannerisms translate 10-20 years down the road. when the 20-something diagnoses his over intellectualization of emotions it sounds like self-awareness... 10 years later does it sound more like regret and translate into a cold, emotionally disconnected father? does the angsty quarter life-crisis blogger become the boring, self-involved loser who needs to get a job? is it already too late?

since im attracted to quasi-empirical projects i should make a chart split into two columns. on the left is your age, on the right are common cliches particular to that age. ex: age 25 <--> im insecure about my lack of accomplishments and nostalgic for my youth. resolved these feelings at 23? congrats, youre slightly ahead of your time! thinking/living this popular cliche at 28? uhoh, youre slipping into loserville. my chart may not be super complicated or compassionate, but its not my fault we hominids are a predictable lot.