home sweet new home

after seven flights in less than 2 wks, theres joy in staying put for a month.

i awoke this morning in houston to a strange and vivid dream that had me escaping my current confines. tonight, im laying on my new bed in the basement of my sister and her mate's home, with brand spankin new wifi (the luxury!) and a fairly uncertain 30 days ahead. i expect to spend the next two months as my 1-yr-old niece's relatively immobile part-time nanny, with the exception of a 2-wk jaunt to montana, seattle and vancouver at the end of july to empty out my condo and spend time with a couple of friends. hilarity ensues.

600 miles of stripmalls

im not sure if it was my guide or the town itself, but apparently americas 4th largest city has no impressive landmarks or notable tourist hotspots, unless you count a large mall called the galleria and 600 square miles of strip malls sweltering under the texan sun.

on the plus side, the city has an attractive skyline and the streets and air were cleaner than i had expected. to my kind local host's credit, i did enjoy yummy chinese and vietnamese food- impressive since i usually find the former gross. but even though the jamba juice, starbucks and wamu branches made it feel a lil more like home, i dont feel compelled to go back, and it looks like my high hopes for a taipei host and shanghai travel buddy are kaput, since he thought i was scary and i didnt know how to react to several minutes of self-service dry humping. it was, however, during these sessions that i wondered if my zeal for free accommodations has me walking the fine line between thrift and sex work.

ole saint lou and the uu

geography helped designate st louis as the gateway to america's west. once you pass beneath the famous arch on the west bank of the mississippi river, you enter louisiana purchase territory. tho this town is better known as an east-west thoroughfare, in my humble opinion the arch should have straggled the river diagonally, as dear st lou feels more like the buffer between the midwest and south than east and west. either way, the istanbul of missouri is an interesting walkabout. as i made my way on foot over a few hours, i appreciated the sturdy and majestic turn of the century architecture and gritty industry in the downtown core. furthermore, since god hates homos, it just so happened that im here instead of seattle or chicago for pride. dont stop the presses, but st louis pride was meagre and alabaster white.

im here to speak at the unitarian universalist associations general assembly on sunday morn. the uu's are a curious posse... among societys most liberal, aged and well educated (think ralph waldo emerson) who weave the intellectual and spiritual together. on the social justice front, they sanctioned same-sex marriages decades ago and have been leaders on gender equality issues.

tho uu-ism has been around since the early 16th century, the faith (i learned that some people reject the word 'church' as exclusive of their culturally jewish, buddhist, muslim and other members.) in its current form came about in 1961, when the unitarians and universalists formally merged. many uu's dont consider their faith under the increasingly intolerant and so very not 'WWJD' christian tribes.

that said, the couple hundred thousand members in the usa are 98% white. even neo nazi groups aren't that white. so no matter how 'inclusive' uu-ism claims to be, their demographics say it plain. case in point was a meeting i joined this afternoon with about 60 or so committed, passionate and intelligent uus of color. remarkably, this group represented most of the colored folks in a conference boasting 5,000 attendees! it was sad to see the pain from these remarkable people who felt ignored and tokenized by this overwhelming WMWP (well-meaning white people) faith. one young, former-catholic filipino homo told me that his sexuality was totally affirmed but his pinoy heritage was not. i met a lot of uus of color who were in st louis as integral participants in the conference, but who protested their second class status by not wearing the denomination's symbolically-important burning chalice lapel.

last year while in rio dijaneiro, i ducked into a nearby church to escape a sudden rainstorm. since then ive felt the need to develop my spiritual identity. growing up, i thought church and faith were only about discipline and community. much like not speaking fluent korean, as an adult i can no longer blame my parents or anyone else for not having a spiritual home. the idea of joining the uus- curious and skeptical people of faith who celebrate my sexuality and right to create a civilly-sanctioned family- is incredibly exciting... yet seeing/hearing reminders of the humiliation of being on the front lines of 'white ally' organization give me pause.

koko kamp, year 4

for the past four years i have been a counselor at the korean american coalitions national college leadership conference, which takes 40 or so college students into the california desert to explore our culture, history and dysfunctional community. its always a privilege to play camp with what is routinely a posse of the most remarkable young people.

in my first year, i drove out to the 100+ degree california desert in a dark suit to be met by campers in cargo shorts and flip flops. adding to my awkwardness was the silence that followed my presentation about diversity within the k-a community. to fill the void, i offered that my mother was korean, which released a chorus of 'oh, i get it!'s in relief to the question on all of their minds: why is this mexican dude here? one girl volunteered that she thought i was a 'dark white person.' i am both, of course.

that first year summed up my relationship with korean america and vice-versa. mine has been one of often ambiguous affinity and cautious participation. theirs with me is typically one of confusion and exclusion. this yr was the first time i didnt feel my stomach turning in knots in preparation for the inevitably racist (speakers offering the notorious 'bell curve' as proof of asian intellectual superiority) or a fellow counselor telling my half-jewish camper she was going to hell if she didnt accept jesus. 2006 goes down as the first year i didnt have to go into intensive one-on-one therapy sessions with the few courageous (but very teary) mixed korean campers or respectfully ask a speaker to refrain from characterizing interracial families as 'polluting' korean blood.

apparently i am a sucker for abuse, but there are few places i feel more euphoric than among these kids and fellow counselors, and now i know that comfort for me is the combination of happiness and being useful. so much of the mixed persons' narrative is about not fitting in. im skeptical that many mono-racial/ethnic people enjoy the constant ethnic comfort that mixed misfits often assume and idealize. sure, most whiteys seem to have some kind of racial ease, but erasing ones past and complaining that everyone else is overreacting isnt something i aspire to.

looking, being and thinking the way i do, ill always find myself excluded from full membership in the korean club. but being a kac counselor has helped me define my role within a community that i always have/always will claim. each year, campers tell me how important my presence was to them. the mixed ones feel safer and the monos say that my presence eases the strict boundaries of koreanness that repress other aspects of their identities. most of us want to feel like we contribute something unique to the people around us. that opportunity arises when we are uncomfortable or feel outside the norm.

each year camp ends with a cozy bonfire replete with variations of 'i luv u guys.' when it was his turn, elliot, the camp coordinator, told the kids a story about how kac shares office space with an org for disabled latinos. when the campers and counselors were arriving on the first day, he saw me hugging one of the kac board members. he was surprised that she knew a disabled mexican guy. i love my people.

la la land

although i grew up fancying myself as a world traveler, the truth was there was an impressionable decade (ages 10-20) when family travel consisted of sissy and me in the back of our pickup truck playing legos on our way to idaho. although my previous job had me on a plane sometimes weekly, they were always domestic short hauls. it wasnt until recently that ive made my way to asia and latin america and finally kicked the '2 wks so now its time to go home' sentiment.

sure, this 2-wk puddle jumpin tour before settling down in chitown is all domestic, but i feel a transition from tourist to traveler taking place. when i flew into los angeles yesterday, i wasnt sure where i would be spending the night or what id be doing over the next 2 days. i had hoped i might spend some q.t. with my girl cindy, but in her typical sabotage style she had booked a vegas trip early tomorrow am. as a consolation prize, we headed to west hollywood and danced to nelly furtados lame promiscuous song with the lala homos. at 3 am i wanted to just sleep in her rental car but she made me check into a hotel (it had wifi). buzzed upon checkin, it wasnt until checking out this morning that i realized that i had stayed in this very same radisson some 3 years prior for an amea board retreat. weird.

this morning i was a model of saving money (and wasting time?) by using cheap forms of public transit. i checked my bags with the concierge and did a lil walkabout in oh so un-walking-friendly culver city. call it hormones, but i felt strangely euphoric. i came back and took the free hotel shuttle to lax, where i hopped onto another bus to la's metro system (no one i talked to in la had rode it before). i took it into pico and walked around a couple of hours, took the train back to the airport and was picked up by my friend nancy. we had a nice dinner in venice and walked the beach. (see fotos here)

the point is that im really begining to love the spontaneity of traveling. it feels like its impossible to waste ones time when youre creating your itinerary on the fly- its fun to put your trust in instincts and good luck. ive been planning some more ambitious travel this fall and im excited for it. i think that im in the right mindset to really take advantage of all that travel has to offer.

first stop: zuzu turns one

a day after booking my flights out of seattle and around the usa, i ponied up the extra $50 to change my sea->lax flight to a sea->chi flight in order to attend my niece's first bday. i had tried to save some money, justifying my absence on the fact ill be her part time nanny in no time. but guilt took over and here i am for just over 24 hours.

my sister and bro-in-law have orchestrated quite a fun party, complete with a new sandbox, kiddie pool, yummy food and five fellow babies from her play group. its a lil awkward being here since family from both sides is in town and i havent seen my wee zuzu in a few months. im feeling a bit detached from her and my social anxiety tendencies are popping up... nobody wants the risk of being shunned by a baby. but seeing her now im realizing just how spunky she really is. its also good to be here to drop off some gear before two weeks on the outside and then my triumphant return for a coupla months. i feel like im coming here with a healthy anxiety about how things will turn out. for now, anyway, i am comfortable with not knowing whats next. that said, i think the time will soon come when i need to either embrace a longer term transitory state or work towards concrete plans. the ambivalence will inevitably get old.

...and pants is off!

i left seattle this morning sans nostalgia. lately, however, i have felt a low level malaise creep in as my departure approached. made uncomfortable by this familiar resentment, last night i was wimpy and distracted myself with a nice boy to avoid feeling what the emotional cogs were processing. recent events should encourage greater scrutiny.

i can pretend it was the salsa or tequila, but seeing myself drop momentarily to my knees in front of an aged man in the club was the wakeup call i needed to cease and desist the past few weeks' sluttiness. thankfully, no zippers flew, but me thinks it prudent to think about how leaving town influenced recent choices.

i spent the past week making my soon to be sales-worthy home immaculate- taking long days to install wood floors, paint and cart loads of shiz to storage and dumpsters. to this old man, theres nuthin worse than taking a cat nap at 5 am when you must rise in 90 mins to catch ur flight. this morning my dear chipko drove me to sea-tac where i did the unthinkable (checked two bags) and was rewarded with a first class upgrade. pants had never ever known nuthin but steerage. the cushy seats, unlimited drank and warm mixed nuts were over hyped, but nice nevertheless.

ive realized that this move is more about leaving seattle than moving to chicago. ill be in chitown for 24 hours (for zuzus bday partay) before a 2-wk puddle jumping tour. ill spend most of july in skevanston before another 2-wk trip to montana and seattle (to sell my apt and host my guest), which culminates with one more month in the central time zone before the great fall asia travel bonanza (pending) begins!

please add tejas

so insert a 2-day houston pitstop to the seatown sayonara tour. time for a lil rendezvous avec the chinese guy with the thai name to see if more ambitious travels might ensue.

spelling nerds = hipster chic

pants knew small time small town spelling bee fame when he won grammar school top honors and cruised towards jr high hotshot status until carelessness tripped him up on "referee." all those early mornings and late eves square on the kitchen floor memorizing letter combos ill-pronounced by an esl-mom... and for what?!

yesterday the only spelling bee that counts crowned its 2006 queen. leave it to those clever quippers at gawker to sum it up pretty:

"The guts, the glory, the silent consonants: nothing compares to the bloodthirsty competition of a spelling bee. Last night the Scripps National Spelling Bee had its first primetime, live airing on ABC, and New Jersey's 13-year-old Katharine Close took home the dorkily awesome crown. Her winning word was 'ursprache,' beating out 14-year-old Finola Hackett, a Canadian girl who blew it all on 'weltschmerz.' Stupid girl, but that's justice — this is our national spelling bee. Get your own, America Jr.

"While it was hard not to get a little teary when you saw Katharine's face erupt in joy upon her win ('Finally, I can have a real life!'), the real highlight was announcer Chris Connelly, whose gray hair and awkward cadence may not be hip enough for MTV but most certainly qualifies him for spelling bee color commentary. When runner-up Hackett — who 10 minutes earlier had been identified as half Chinese — was on a winning streak, Connelly noted, 'The Tokyo Bride does it again!'

look around kind citizens! its become too clear that the spelling bee is the new darling of the hipster-nerd-chic poseurs. in a short order response, i will unveil a new pop-id feature to designate what is pop and what is cool. i am inspired by our president to designate myself the sole decider in this pursuit. u will lub it. stand by.