i wanted to see you before you die

its been a surreal two days as an unfamiliar bout of anxiety has swirled in my tum. typically i welcome these collaborative physical/emotional reactions but this time theyve made me feel uncharacteristically out of control.

this evening i ate bad thai food on the culver city side of venice with my friend nancy. we had just returned from canyon country where we visited our friend. she was lucid and upbeat despite pain meds and what we were told are the waning days of stage 4 breast cancer. as always our girl was vivacious and bossy, impulsive and wise, apologetic, emotional and loving. not that i was expecting an elaborate mourning ceremony, but her matter-of-fact words about dying while we enjoyed champagne and watched the magic flick 'the prestige' were unexpected. i kept hearing myself tell her, 'i wanted to see you before i move to korea' instead of 'i wanted to see you before you die'. she would have been ok with me not being wimpy and saying the latter. its rare that being somewhere/doing something feels perfect.