good grief

about an hour ago i asked my father if he knew i was gay, which i guess was just one of any number of ways to come out. as with all of my 'hello, im homo' moments, it was uneventful and accompanied by unconditional affirmation. yea. the disclosure was as spontaneous as waiting 6 years after having already told everyone else important in my life could be. this morning my heretofore failure to tell him seemed bizarre and wimpy.

rows of dormant pinot

i assumed he already knew. he said he didnt. the line immediately preceding the question was another one: 'can i ask you a funny question?' he replied, 'funny haha or funny peculiar?' hes predictable and in retrospect of course he would have asked that. i said, 'potentially both.' lookin back my transparent strategy was to couch my homoness as a foregone conclusion to make a dramatic reaction less likely. to his credit he did the perfect supportive parent response- along the lines of 'whats important is that he loves me and just wants me to be happy.' he surprised me by asking if i had someone special in my life. even more peculiar was him saying, ' i thought u were going to drop a different bombshell.' my response, 'like what?' was met by a 'i dont know'. we left it at that. oh the unsaid world of men.

we spent the next thirty minutes walking around his vineyard discussing bird hunting and grapevines as we always do. it didnt feel like denial or an awkward attempt at normalcy.

despite what was an important action on my part and a satisfying response on his, i feel overwhelming sadness. as i drove away i felt full and heavy with grief. tho an unexpected reaction, on the bright side these surprising, undeniable emotions remind me im alive. my lame spin on descartes would be 'i feel before i think, therefore i am,' but there is truly something comforting about being overwhelmed by a surge of emotions before being able to pinpoint their source. attributing emotions after the fact also seems like good training for how to empathize with others.

i need more time to think. writing about it is distracting me and altering that process. what seems obvious is that my reaction isnt about coming out per se. its about my father being the last to know. not so much because i feared his reaction as that i wanted to suggest that his reaction had little relevance to my life given our distant and superficial relationship. in that sense waiting all this time was a passive but still harsh 'fuck you.' for some time ive known that i harbor an enormous sense of loss at not having a father. recognizing this void and trying different ways to fill it are familiar pursuits. if nothing more, this was an unexpected opportunity to grieve.

well, im in the sunset presbyterian church parking lot and its presentation time. these emotions in tandem with sudafed and robitussin should make for a good show. ahoy.