koko kamp, year 4

for the past four years i have been a counselor at the korean american coalitions national college leadership conference, which takes 40 or so college students into the california desert to explore our culture, history and dysfunctional community. its always a privilege to play camp with what is routinely a posse of the most remarkable young people.

in my first year, i drove out to the 100+ degree california desert in a dark suit to be met by campers in cargo shorts and flip flops. adding to my awkwardness was the silence that followed my presentation about diversity within the k-a community. to fill the void, i offered that my mother was korean, which released a chorus of 'oh, i get it!'s in relief to the question on all of their minds: why is this mexican dude here? one girl volunteered that she thought i was a 'dark white person.' i am both, of course.

that first year summed up my relationship with korean america and vice-versa. mine has been one of often ambiguous affinity and cautious participation. theirs with me is typically one of confusion and exclusion. this yr was the first time i didnt feel my stomach turning in knots in preparation for the inevitably racist (speakers offering the notorious 'bell curve' as proof of asian intellectual superiority) or a fellow counselor telling my half-jewish camper she was going to hell if she didnt accept jesus. 2006 goes down as the first year i didnt have to go into intensive one-on-one therapy sessions with the few courageous (but very teary) mixed korean campers or respectfully ask a speaker to refrain from characterizing interracial families as 'polluting' korean blood.

apparently i am a sucker for abuse, but there are few places i feel more euphoric than among these kids and fellow counselors, and now i know that comfort for me is the combination of happiness and being useful. so much of the mixed persons' narrative is about not fitting in. im skeptical that many mono-racial/ethnic people enjoy the constant ethnic comfort that mixed misfits often assume and idealize. sure, most whiteys seem to have some kind of racial ease, but erasing ones past and complaining that everyone else is overreacting isnt something i aspire to.

looking, being and thinking the way i do, ill always find myself excluded from full membership in the korean club. but being a kac counselor has helped me define my role within a community that i always have/always will claim. each year, campers tell me how important my presence was to them. the mixed ones feel safer and the monos say that my presence eases the strict boundaries of koreanness that repress other aspects of their identities. most of us want to feel like we contribute something unique to the people around us. that opportunity arises when we are uncomfortable or feel outside the norm.

each year camp ends with a cozy bonfire replete with variations of 'i luv u guys.' when it was his turn, elliot, the camp coordinator, told the kids a story about how kac shares office space with an org for disabled latinos. when the campers and counselors were arriving on the first day, he saw me hugging one of the kac board members. he was surprised that she knew a disabled mexican guy. i love my people.