effectively single

since age 13, with the exception of about one year, i have always been single. usually i am honest and admit that i prefer it this way, but sometimes im distracted by the hours i spend perusing cute guys online profiles and flirting with them via IM or face-to-face. its fun to recount to family and friends my latest socially and/or physically awkward bout, and these episodes help to create an entertaining story that im actively searching for a partner without luck.

truth is, tonight i come home from a 4th date with a remarkable guy who wants to make an emotional commitment and ive lost interest. at dinner i noticed my telltale sign- i stop making eye contact with him. his general greatness makes my reluctance more obvious and reminds me that im not looking for a boyfriend. i dont want a partner, or, specificially, im unwilling to give up whatever part(s) of me thats necessary for a relationship to work. do i congratulate myself for so effectively avoiding what i dont want, or perhaps i should figure out what it is about a relationship that freaks me out so much.