a nice day in seoul

about one year ago i started pop-id. its goal was to explore pop culture on the personal level. it was an interesting, but, in terms of its original purpose, failed enterprise. practicing writing outside of the academic or professional spheres was valuable, but i never made a successful transition from private diary to public blog. the result was me writing about me thinking about me... ostensibly for others' consumption. realizing this seemed awfully indulgent and embarrassing.

making the transition from the usa to korea provided a good excuse to send pop-id out to pasture and to try again. as i learned from my asian walkabout last fall, traveling makes good fodder for writing. being in unfamiliar environs makes the dull seem vivid; not speaking korean makes simple, mundane tasks exhausting. i hope this reality is appreciated by readers who seek special cultural moments or a hearty chuckle. ultimately my new weblog's goal is to record how seoul inspires this half-korean homo's exploration of additional racial / cultural / national identities. sure, it's still about me, but i hope that my interests in korea, culture, identity and travel might intersect with yours. thanks for the memories.

check out my shiny new weblog here.

truly fragrant

im back in asia after almost 5 months away. its good to be back. because it didnt cost more, i scheduled my flight to allow a few hours to putz about in hong kong before leaving for seoul tonight. after de-planeing, it was but a few short minutes through immigration and customs to the bag check, where i left my backpack, fetched hong kong dollars from the atm and proceded to the airport express, which whisks ya to the central mtr station in less than 30 mins. international travel can be so easy.

im writing from a free internet kiosk on victorias peak, a tourist trap wonderland high above hong kong. the spectacular views of highrises flanking victoria harbour are obscured a bit by thick clouds, but its still nice. and tho the weather is actually quite lovely, ive been reacquainted with asias humidity and am thankful for the misty cool up here. after heading back down ill spend the next few hours shopping, visiting a photography exhibit at the visual arts center (from china to italy on a motorcycle) and then will head to admiralty to have lunch with a korean/chinese guy with a black mans name.

i have had basically no emotional reaction to leaving the states or being back in asia, which is weird. no nostalgia, sadness or trepidation. what i did recall upon emerging from the central hk mtr stop was asias smell. its the pungent mix of food, vehicle exhaust and laundry, and the conspicuous absence of natural smells and body odor/perfume. the heavy humidity holds these smells closer to the earth and doesnt let them escape into the ether. for now im ok with that.

on another note, once in seoul i shall bid pop-id adieu. its been real but pants is moving on. stay tuned for the new url.

xo pants

update: the exhibit was pretty fantastic. the italian vagabond was there in the flesh to detail his exploits. i wanted to exchange stories about pakistan with him but didnt. his photos helped push kashgar (tibet), iran and turkey to the top of my travel list. anybody want to join me? the traditional cantonese dim sum at pacific place was yummy. i think the zung ju gai (glutinous rice with pork wrapped in a lotus leaf) was my favorite. so glad for the hk layover.

pink plastic

it was a hectic 41 hours between arriving back in chicago and leaving for san francisco. no surprise most of it was spent packing, cleaning and squeezing the most facetime possible with my lil quapa monster (aka zuzu). i had to spurn (most of) my thrifty urges to pack things like nyquil, q-tips and the like... saving a couple bucks at the expense of another suitcase aint worth it and i hear they also have medicine and ear wax in asia.

its been a couple of years since ive visited sf and im really enjoying it. i love to hate this place, but even if the people are smug, the topography is undeniably beautiful and the weather is a step up from seattle. this morning i jogged along the embarcadero until i hit fort mason and wound my way back beside the cable cars on bay, hyde and lombard streets, thru chinatown and back towards touristy union square. the hills provide delicious lookouts for city planning dorks like me. thanks to sweet pinoy danny, i also enjoyed spectacular views of the city from a drizzly twin peaks and of the pacific ocean from the blustery cliffs of lands end.

i think i read that plastic grocery bags are banned here. yet while reading a plaque about the previous renderings of union square a pink plastic bag imprinted with a red rose and the words 'thank you' kept swirling around me. the bags haphazard dance, audacious color and illegality reminded me of sfs conspicuous mentally ill homeless population and the very volatile feel of downtown. when armageddon comes, its coming here first. the evangelicals have said as much.

lately i get confused about where i am. nyc? hong kong? but in a few short hours ill be seoulbound on a cathay pacific 747. hopefully another locale wont exacerbate my confusion.

a suggestion longing for companionship

im in a comfortable rental apartment in nycs upper west side listening as the ac unit propped under my bedroom window stops raindrop freefall. with 8 inches falling in just 24 hours, its nycs wettest day on record. rain like this is a good meditation on letting go and accepting greater forces than your own. yes, im very wet and uncomfortable, yes with every step my new pretty shoes become trash, but life really aint so hard.

being alone in an apt (as opposed to a hotel room) reminds me of my recent past in seattle and my near future in seoul. over the past few months in chicago ive become accustomed to the sounds of someone else in the kitchen, someone else changing tv channels or my nieces sleepy breathing over the baby monitor. but when alone, its just me and mother nature who decide when/what noise is made and this largely quiet, controlled environment is the sound of independence. of all the senses, i think sound is what i most associate with loneliness... with touch a close second. tho loneliness has been a recurring theme im still not sure if i am. 'independent' sounds better anyway ;)

tonight i had dinner with a good guy i met two nights prior when cuz and i met up with chuckles, cindybro, justin and co. over moist peruvian meats we shared a conversation laden with personal content and virtually void of alcohol. this mix conceived a different, often serious vibe not typically associated with a flirting-our-way-into-each-others-pants routine. what was typical however was my exaggerated disappointment with where things were left, my pondering about whatifs, and me wondering why im so eager for obsessive/exclusive puppy love... perhaps i should rebrand it as 'hopeless romanticism'? ah, words.

on that note lately ive been imagining how appearance / behavior / mannerisms translate 10-20 years down the road. when the 20-something diagnoses his over intellectualization of emotions it sounds like self-awareness... 10 years later does it sound more like regret and translate into a cold, emotionally disconnected father? does the angsty quarter life-crisis blogger become the boring, self-involved loser who needs to get a job? is it already too late?

since im attracted to quasi-empirical projects i should make a chart split into two columns. on the left is your age, on the right are common cliches particular to that age. ex: age 25 <--> im insecure about my lack of accomplishments and nostalgic for my youth. resolved these feelings at 23? congrats, youre slightly ahead of your time! thinking/living this popular cliche at 28? uhoh, youre slipping into loserville. my chart may not be super complicated or compassionate, but its not my fault we hominids are a predictable lot.

a reunion of sorts

several of my family members converged on nyc this weekend for a friends wedding. it also so happens that i have more friends living in the big apple than anywhere else save seattle. bringing cousin lisa/jayne/cybil together with a former coworker, ex, volunteer and a coupla handsome new asian dudes for dinner, drinks and dancing was a hoot.

i wanted to see you before you die

its been a surreal two days as an unfamiliar bout of anxiety has swirled in my tum. typically i welcome these collaborative physical/emotional reactions but this time theyve made me feel uncharacteristically out of control.

this evening i ate bad thai food on the culver city side of venice with my friend nancy. we had just returned from canyon country where we visited our friend. she was lucid and upbeat despite pain meds and what we were told are the waning days of stage 4 breast cancer. as always our girl was vivacious and bossy, impulsive and wise, apologetic, emotional and loving. not that i was expecting an elaborate mourning ceremony, but her matter-of-fact words about dying while we enjoyed champagne and watched the magic flick 'the prestige' were unexpected. i kept hearing myself tell her, 'i wanted to see you before i move to korea' instead of 'i wanted to see you before you die'. she would have been ok with me not being wimpy and saying the latter. its rare that being somewhere/doing something feels perfect.

the joy of flying

heres a report on the oft-bemoaned state of us air travel. i just returned on american airlines #1400 from lax to ord. first off, there wasnt a seat to spare. second, despite the 4 hour duration, they didnt even give us pretzels, tho they were pleased to offer us complimentary beverage service (rad!) and the opportunity to buy a snickerdoodle cookie for $3. third, for $2 i could have purchased headphones (ours to keep!) to watch renee zellwiger playing a hallucinating bunny-drawing lady in what appears to be the worst movie ever made.

the best part of my flight however was the strong and unmistakable smell of human urine around (on?) my seat. i maxed out the air stream above my seat in the only somewhat successful attempt to push the pee aroma elsewhere. in case #1 wasnt enough a persistent fart stench kept wafting my way. at home such an odor has me asking my niece if she has a bumbum in her diaper. i fantasized about standing up and announcing, 'whoever it is, stop farting. the bathroom is 2 rows away, you disgust me!' i have no idea why writing that made me think of forrest whitakers performance of idi amin in 'the last king of scotland'. whatever, im embracing it.

the great white north

ill keep this quick. im in boston on a work stint, but theres still something unnerving to me about white parents who raise their black adopted children in a totally white environment and whose children (unsurprisingly) view themselves as being outside blackness, rather than simply broadening its definition to include folks like themselves who "act/talk white" and who feel more comfortable around white people than black. no wonder when the only exposure they have to black people and culture is through stereotypes via mtv. i hope adoptive mommy and daddy dont think theyre doing chrissy any favors. oy vey.

too nauseous

i poisoned myself this weekend. i was cajoled to buy the 'real stuff' by the enthusiastic, if questionably sane, washington state liquor control board store employee. he insisted that i purchase 'true' scotch instead of the grain spirit-diluted forgeries. i was too distracted by his teeth and eccentric facial hair to think clearly. i woke up this morning extremely nauseous with virtually no recollection of the night prior. photos on my camera suggest i dropped trou in two venues and triumphantly poured a full beer onto my chest at rplace. i think it was really fun seeing friends, etc... i just dont remember any of it. furthermore, puking 2x at brunch this morning wasnt cool. for future reference im better suited to the cheap imitation grain spirits. ahoy.

winking kissy faces, nipple grabbing, erekson sister dynamics and kk/jb sexual tension, all per usual.

world homo laws

i found this interesting. geez, seems like homo issues are in the news every damn day. click the map to enlarge.

congratulations! (?)

after a few warm sunny days the dirty snow drifts have melted and the sheet of ice on the chicago river is breaking up. praise jesus, spring is (almost) here! warm air smells different and dramatic seasonal changes always put me into nostalgic overdrive. new environments typically trigger heightened awareness of my surroundings. hearing a bird sing today after so many months of cold silence made me smile.

the more reading i do about seoul the more excited i am about relocating there. chatting online with random guys in seoul and peppering them with questions about where i should live and reading seoulite blogs has also helped to make the move more real. in fact yesterday i felt my first tinge of butterflies in my tum. by now i know that theres usually a lag between my rational and emotional reactions, and it looks like the emotional is just starting to register.

one weird thing thats been happening is that people keep telling me 'congratulations' for moving. congrats for what? i havent been appointed ambassador or won a contest. im relocating to a very safe country where i have family and where, if all else fails, i can easily make decent money teaching english. sure, my korean sucks and culture shocks will abound but its not like i have to learn bird or something. i know that some people view moving to another country scary/risky but i guess im continually surprised at how 'risk' averse folks are. worst case scenario? my ass is back in chicago in a coupla months. baby jesus lets hope not.

goal: 24/7 tangerine parties

thanks to mr thich nhat hanh for simple mindfullness meditations over the past couple of weeks. helpful exercises when one is particularly distracted. thanks, sashyama.

get together

before moving to seoul next month im visiting the ole haunts for a few days. to all yall: lets get together for a memorable evening. please join in for one or all of the following:

friday, march 23
8p: low key food, booze and girl talk at the bellora loft
10p: vogueing at viceroy in belltown
1a?: dancing and debauchery into the wee hours on cap hill

id love to see u! (since this may be the last opportunity for a while, this would be a great time to look pretty ;) friends are welcome. rsvp here for directions.

(ps the pic is of daegu, 1954)

effectively single

since age 13, with the exception of about one year, i have always been single. usually i am honest and admit that i prefer it this way, but sometimes im distracted by the hours i spend perusing cute guys online profiles and flirting with them via IM or face-to-face. its fun to recount to family and friends my latest socially and/or physically awkward bout, and these episodes help to create an entertaining story that im actively searching for a partner without luck.

truth is, tonight i come home from a 4th date with a remarkable guy who wants to make an emotional commitment and ive lost interest. at dinner i noticed my telltale sign- i stop making eye contact with him. his general greatness makes my reluctance more obvious and reminds me that im not looking for a boyfriend. i dont want a partner, or, specificially, im unwilling to give up whatever part(s) of me thats necessary for a relationship to work. do i congratulate myself for so effectively avoiding what i dont want, or perhaps i should figure out what it is about a relationship that freaks me out so much.

race and pronouns

mixed? get over yourself.

for the past few months i noticed something funny. when referring to 'asian,' 'asian americans,' 'koreans,' 'caucasoids,' 'homos,' 'mixed,' 'people of color,' etc. i seem to curiously avoid first-person pronouns for all of them. hmmm it must be because im beyond race and have become colorblind. har har. in any case, i guess peeking into the world of subsconsciously identification is interesting.

measuring mood

its been 2 months since i started daily measurements of my mood and im disappointed to report that im less happy than i would have guessed. undiagnosed ocd is the best kind.

retirement: year one

today marks one year since i quit my job. strangely the 12 months since hasnt felt especially short or long. my instinct is to say that this post-mavin transition is taking too long - that i should already be in korea, forming a new company or have a book deal in hand. despite this overfunctioning antsy-ness, this time last year i told myself the time off would be good despite inevitable sadness, boredom, confusion, loneliness and the like. now im being challenged to believe it.

good memories from masian foundasian

no doubt retirement has had its ups and downs (the obvious perks are not being a boss or working unhealthy hours ;). whats been both liberating and confusing is taking off my mavin identity and retiring it to the bin of past selves... the pianist, the plant man, the social worker. somewhat comforting is that at one point those identities felt equally dominant.

what individuals create says something about them, but shouldnt be mistaken for them. i want my presence alone to convey who i am. to that end, its been enlightening to see how i took for granted the way my job and history commanded peoples respect, and why i relied too heavily on it to lubricate my interactions. now, as i stumble through the latest 'what do you do?' question (its my new 'what are you?') i catch myself making obnoxious comments that expose my insecurity and opportunities for growth.

while i try to be conscious of the ways that im changing i see my friendships also changing and those people reacting differently to me. its helped me see the daunting amounts of time and energy i expend trying to connect with people only to invest an equal effort to neglect or actively dissolve the same relationships. i wish id channel that energy into more productive pursuits.

in sum i guess that the past year has been exactly what its 'supposed' to be (my life the cliche will expose itself under 5 more minutes of scrutiny). doing something supposedly risky like moving abroad with little to no plan also feels appropriate, if not predictable. even if i havent been particularly happy lately, ive been more aware. as long as this path doesnt lead me to the most hackneyed destination of reasonably intelligent people - the existential abyss - im gravy.

chilly in hotlanta

purple half-koreans

its been some time since i told my girl cindy that id visit her in atlanta. with korea coming up and presidents day guaranteeing her a 3-day teachers weekend, i booked a flight. cindy was one of my first employees way back when we bonded over our dysfunctional half-korean families and an unparalleled ability to get goofy in each others company. shes always been special to me, perhaps best expressed in my consistent (but generally unfamiliar) role as friendship maintainer, despite her periodic attempts of sabotage.

anti-miscegenation laws

experiencing atlantas segregated nightlife and spelunking through the little 5 points and virginia highlands neighborhoods was fun. seeing groups of korean tourists at ebenezer baptist church and the king center was a nice surprise. being unprepared for how several years apart had changed each other and our friendship was... difficult, not priceless. i hate how mastercard has appropriated the several sentences started with gerunds format. anyhow, our convoluted communication routine means im not sure to what extent she also noticed our changed dynamic but we feel different and im apprehensive to see where we go next.

happy new year!

heres wishing all yall a happy, healthy and prosperous year of the golden boar! gool gool! like your korean pig taught ya.

nine weeks til soko

after considerable rigamarole figuring out work dates with clients and trying to find days when i could use my frequent flier miles to soko (south korea), my nine-ish weeks before leaving the usa are set.

yes to atlanta, boston, new york, seattle, sf and honkers; no to honolulu and europe (if youre interested in a roundtrip flight to europe with 3 nights hotel for just $449+, go here).

if were simultaneously in any of these locales, lets rumble:

2/17-20: atlanta
3/20-24: seattle
3/25-27: boston
4/11-18: new york
4/21-23: san francisco
4/25: hong kong
4:26-> seoul

im mildly concerned that my life of late seems to be periods of more or less ennui punctuated by trip preparation.

now: only for the young

one must only watch the (boring) live broadcast of space shuttles landing on every major tv station to know that a different generation decides whats on air and consequently stunts the mediums creativity. perhaps thats why there are hundreds of channels with very little on thats worth watching. one must only hear/read/watch the awkward mentions of 'blogs' and 'youtube' by reporters to know 'current' news is obsolete. no wonder youngins eschew the news and make their own media. theyd be bored silly otherwise.

hapy vday!

80 degree swing

located 48 km south of the bahamas and just north of hispanola, turks and caicos is 40 islands set amongst the worlds 3rd largest reef. about 15000 'belongers' call them home. they are reportedly descended from 193 slaves whose ship trouvadore wrecked off east caicos in 1841.

abandoned ship

given the delightfully warm temps (fully 80 degrees warmer than where i left) and delicious breezes, it seems bratty to frown while napping under casuarina trees in the porch hammock, tummy full from gorging on fritters made from endangered caribbean queen conch (relax, theyre farmed here). saying anything other than 'its been wonderful' seems awfully spoilt after spending an afternoon fishing off the reef or seeing the shallow water illuminated by millions of glowworms 5 days after a full moon.

siblings

but for some reason this hasnt been the vacation i imagined. despite my sisters inlaws hospitality, i still feel tense being in someone elses home- involuntarily shuffling in and out of their family drama. but it aint all that. i can tell that even in solitude id feel this weird tightness in my torso whose cause i cannot pinpoint. all said its been good to be reunited with zuzu and sissy, to have started and finished a novel (been a while) and to get some color despite my prodigious application of sunscreen because although black dont crack, off-white do.

dangerous crap

'freedom writers' documents the heroic struggles of a noble white teacher in the belly of the beast: an innercity high school classroom teeming with black and brown gangbangers.

sound familiar? probably because its one of hollywoods favorite cliches. the movies title references the civil rights movement. so hillary swank is like a white mlk? as if our white brothers and sisters havent received enough credit for their community work. i, for one, have little patience for people who appropriate struggle, feign humility and then grab the reigns and reinforce oppression under the guise of "social justice".

in my experience as both a student and as an education consultant, a more compelling (yet never told) tale follows the intrepid brown teacher who is humiliated by an affluent, suburban, predominately white private school where institutionalized isms abound, and bitchy bored moms in tracksuits run amok. id pay to see it.

ultimately writing is embarrassing

i was looking through one of the boxes i had mailed here from seattle and found a thick manila folder labeled 'book'. inside was a curious mix of papers that had inspired an earlier attempt to draft a book proposal for an interested literary agent and publisher. 3 years later im contemplating trying again, but reading over the embarrassing poetry and proposal narrative makes me apprehensive.