retirement: year one

today marks one year since i quit my job. strangely the 12 months since hasnt felt especially short or long. my instinct is to say that this post-mavin transition is taking too long - that i should already be in korea, forming a new company or have a book deal in hand. despite this overfunctioning antsy-ness, this time last year i told myself the time off would be good despite inevitable sadness, boredom, confusion, loneliness and the like. now im being challenged to believe it.

good memories from masian foundasian

no doubt retirement has had its ups and downs (the obvious perks are not being a boss or working unhealthy hours ;). whats been both liberating and confusing is taking off my mavin identity and retiring it to the bin of past selves... the pianist, the plant man, the social worker. somewhat comforting is that at one point those identities felt equally dominant.

what individuals create says something about them, but shouldnt be mistaken for them. i want my presence alone to convey who i am. to that end, its been enlightening to see how i took for granted the way my job and history commanded peoples respect, and why i relied too heavily on it to lubricate my interactions. now, as i stumble through the latest 'what do you do?' question (its my new 'what are you?') i catch myself making obnoxious comments that expose my insecurity and opportunities for growth.

while i try to be conscious of the ways that im changing i see my friendships also changing and those people reacting differently to me. its helped me see the daunting amounts of time and energy i expend trying to connect with people only to invest an equal effort to neglect or actively dissolve the same relationships. i wish id channel that energy into more productive pursuits.

in sum i guess that the past year has been exactly what its 'supposed' to be (my life the cliche will expose itself under 5 more minutes of scrutiny). doing something supposedly risky like moving abroad with little to no plan also feels appropriate, if not predictable. even if i havent been particularly happy lately, ive been more aware. as long as this path doesnt lead me to the most hackneyed destination of reasonably intelligent people - the existential abyss - im gravy.