alone or lonesome? part 1: hate the game

im at an unremarkable noodle shop with shitty service in bangkoks silom area drinking an iced nescafe to perk me up. im not sure if my bad attitude is because of residual low seratonin or that im in a 21st century soddom and gamorrah. either way im starting to question peoples goodness.

as a kid my unrequited wish was to be part of a posse, to roll with my homies. the physical barriers of living on an island while school was on the mainland conspired against me but it was ultimately my unwillingness to forfeit any independence for the sake of the collective that made me a poor candidate for group-think and act.

facts on the ground made me a distrustful independent youth. what was once necessary for self-preservation has me today orchestrating a self-fulfilling prophecy that people will inevitably disappoint and shouldnt be trusted. tho this keeps my circle of friends small and somewhat paranoid, my rigorous screening process also keeps assholes at bay. a big part of my travel prep in chicago was online 'interviews' with folks hailing from my itinerarys pitstops. the result so far has been meetings scores of amazing people. but the fact that my screening stopped short of hong kong is starting to show.

ive been stood up tonight and it dont feel good. i find myself fantasizing less and less plausible explanations that are deteriorating into a shamelessness abyss. a snapshot into the rationale of a scorned pants (i blame the nescafe):

• maybe he lost/forgot my number?
• maybe his phone isnt working or a less time-sensitive cultural quirk means he will call later?
• maybe he didnt get the sms i sent?
• maybe i should call/sms myself to see if my phone is working?
• maybe hes intimidated and needs me to be more accessible?
• maybe i should eschew dating norms and pursue him more aggressively?

as time passes ive (mostly) accepted that ive been played. riveting phase 2 has me exploring possible explanations for my sorry state, switching back and forth between my and his probable shortcomings. highlights include:

• did he find my personality unattractive?
• is my personality unattractive?
• did i offend him?
• (as the situation makes me more self-conscious of my physical shortcomings) am i ug-ug?
• maybe buddha has intervened to remind me of the need to triumph over desire?
• maybe jesus has intervened to help me avoid an asshole of catastrophic proportions? (ie fate)

my pathetic and predictable processing concludes with an alarming diversity of cliches and immaturity spanning from a note to self about obeying the golden rule the next time i feel like blowing someone off to working on bitter one-line zingers in case i see mr. player later.

tho its all unfun theres a disturbing comfort in being disappointed and having my low expectations of human dependability fulfilled. its just the confirmation i need to confirm the wisdom of pragmatic solitude. two possible conclusions (pick one):

1. alone is good! thank goodness my trips irrational effusiveness about wonderful people and asian hospitality has been moderated by mans too predictable selfish foibles. or...
2. give folks a chance! this is yet another example of me seeking 'proof' (if not orchestrating sabotage) to confirm that i am right and should remain within my comfortable (tho no longer particularly healthy) behavioral status quo.

its always the battle between the cynic and the optimist, the self-righteous and the willing to adapt and change. the formers are so much easier, no?
more bangkok photos here.