but some of my best relatives are white

andrew x pham is no longer my friend. despite an entertaining book about biking through asia, which made him feel like the travel buddy i never had, he has revealed himself to be one of those self-loathing asian americans who resent the way mongoloid cultural idiosyncracies prohibit his full inclusion into the glories of whiteness.

at first i thought pham included the early-life hater moments to contrast an immature youth with a triumphant oprah-style, inner-goddess discovery by memoirs end. no such luck. sure, ive been accused of falling into the opposite extreme of overcompensating half-whities who tan, shave our heads and/or adopt subtle ebonics to make our racial allegiances clear. whether you call call it immaturity, internalized racism or tragic mullato-dom, both extremes are lame.

tho ive made peace with god for not making me puerto rican ive still got latent whiteness issues. to this end, asia has been a wonderful respite from caucasia. ive enjoyed more or less fitting into the majority and beauty norms while avoiding the plague of american, european and (worst of all) aussie backpackers. but today im in westerner-friendly bali in that ubiquitous caucasoid hotspot called the high speed internet cafe. im reflexively annoyed by my white brothers and sisters and am eager to see behavior that confirms my worst expectations.

too often i see arrogant whiteys making no attempt to adapt to the cultural morés of their host environment. i dont know if this behavior is due to racism, colonialism, the great schism or just centuries of expecting servile bows from the brown-skinded, but im eager to know how the chinese behave in europe, since the total lack of humility or respect from many white types in asia is bewildering.

my inner half-white hater isnt resentment for looking funny or for koreans thinking im mexican. being mixed and self-conscious has made race a huge part of my daily life and the typical 'im colorblind' racial oblivion of your average usa white bread is so foreign and insulting to me that im aghast at folks thinking im in cahoots with them. the way most white people casually dismiss the painful and profound journey of living, understanding and processing how racism impacts many of us is dehumanizing.

i think its very un-western to accept that you cant relate. the importance of 'relating' seems awfully self-involved, as if witnessing genuine grief shouldnt be enough 'proof'. it isnt coincidence that the white friends i have generally accept they cannot fully comprehend racisms impact but respect my 'quirky' sensitivities because they respect me. right or wrong if they show any skepticism i distrust them and pull away.

the things that really push my buttons are usually the areas of my life that are unresolved. race and pants remains a work in progress. andy phams book is most disappointing because he seems oblivious to his immaturity and the futility of his desperate quest for whiteness. oh, asian americans!
more bali photos here.