disagreement's unpracticed art

ive been to miami twice, and both times ive had fabulous shopping experiences. its embarrassing to admit it- even more so to folks who are familiar with the hundreds of storefronts selling tacky crap. but im telling you that ive found many jewels in the rough. maybe its my combination of 2 of miamis 3 major posses (homos, cubans and jews) that makes miami my fashion dream come true... well, at least 1.5 of 3.

both trips to miami were thanks to my brother in law, whose family owns a home in providenciales. on my way there for my sisters wedding and nieces baptism, ive made miami a stopover. this two-week getaway was a much-needed sunny respite from the debilitating pacific northwest rain. my lovergirl krissy and i shopped on lincoln road, sunned on south beach, admired miami's art deco district and ate yummy cuban fare. we also rented a car and drove down to key west and rode beach cruisers around the flat town in bikinis and brazilian sunga shorts, which was both embarrasing and lots o fun, since were from a hilly and frumpy seattle.

krissy has always showed a repsectful curiosity about race and homo issues. she doesnt use her white hetero privilege to appropriate my experiences like so many white allies. of course, its also flattering to have someone take interest in your life experiences and perspectives on things, so i usually welcomed these conversations.

but despite the sun, fun, and the exquisite company of my best travel buddy, a not especially interesting conversation about whether fat black women in popular culture were a result of historical "mammy" stereotypes or black mens appreciation for fuller figures exposed the travel fatigue that sets in after 2 wks of 24/7 cohabitation. that conversation was my breaking point after 2 wks of feeling like the only person who has anger about race. 2 wks of generally respectful questions from almost exclusively white folks was feeling like a deluge of condescending skepticism.

aint she pretty?

since i have anger and my thoughts on race and identity are mildly radical, i should be accustomed to discussing these issues with a skeptical (mostly white) public. i should have sufficient experience crafting effective retorts and persuading others to consider my point of view. most conversations are topical with well-worn arguments on "both" sides, so only a little study would be necessary. yet like most of us, ive instead spent my time cultivating a philosophical faction of like-minded folks. my real frustration with krissy was my inability to articulately respond to her reasonable questions.

back to flattery. during conversation its fun to have people nod and praise you via their agreement. we have become so used to it that its amusing to see how defensive folks get when someone disagrees. even disagreement is prefaced with sugary sweet affirmation to prep us for the offense of disagreement.

its often lamented of late how divided our society is. we seem cleanly cut into ridiculous binaries of red state/blue state, black/white, male/female, gay/straight, right/wrong, without acknowledging the vast middle ground that most of us occupy. yet our self-segregation affirms these extreme points of view, rejects nuance, and exacerbates feelings of difference. were left with an "us/them" mentality, and without a middle ground to tred upon, avoid confrontation and have nowhere to meet anyway. i hope to improve my ability to disagree artfullly... to reclaim some middle ground and practice persuasion.

retirement, ego + autopilot

its been nearly one month since i ended an 8-yr professional stint as the head honcho of a nonprofit. what began as an intensely personal exploration of race and identity became a nationally significant organization. to date, it also expended my adult years, since i started the org at 19.

theres something in the nonprofit world known as "founders syndrome." its when the founder refuses to leave an organization after her/his time has long gone, usually due to ego and some inability to separate themselves from the organization. 8 yrs is a long time, and i think that any longer would have hinted at my own bout with F.S. fortunately, a yucky incident last may during our generation mix national tour was just the jolt i needed to force a painful assessment and the decision to leave my bratty baby be.

that was a doozy of a weekend. 8 yrs of accumulated emotional fun and junk came rushing back. it was one of those rare, exhilarating moments when ive felt myself on the brink of losing control. it was as if, after so much boolshit, i had manufactured the ultimate sabotage to force a radical move. once i made the decision to leave mavin, i felt an overwhelming calm and relief. it felt like something i was entitled to keep to myself for a time.

i made the decision in may, notified my staff in june, told the board in august, and announced it to the world in october. the accumulated responses ran the gamut from sweet and unabashedly sloppy kudos to strange acts of sabotage and misdirected resentment.

re: the latter, my last few months gave me uber evidence that we hominids are a shamelessly self-involved lot who operate almost exclusively on auto-pilot. consequently, we can only empathize with people whose experiences we can relate to. our empathy stems from reminders of our own joy or suffering, not compassion. in its most freaky form, even when we are desperate for support, most of the people around us are trapped in their self-absorbed haze. unable to relate or empathize, they will operate as if nothing is happening. its a sad and lonesome realization, but in retrospect an obvious one thats better to make sooner than later. if nuthin more, its greater incentive to refuse the easy excuses to drive on auto-pilot.