retirement, ego + autopilot

its been nearly one month since i ended an 8-yr professional stint as the head honcho of a nonprofit. what began as an intensely personal exploration of race and identity became a nationally significant organization. to date, it also expended my adult years, since i started the org at 19.

theres something in the nonprofit world known as "founders syndrome." its when the founder refuses to leave an organization after her/his time has long gone, usually due to ego and some inability to separate themselves from the organization. 8 yrs is a long time, and i think that any longer would have hinted at my own bout with F.S. fortunately, a yucky incident last may during our generation mix national tour was just the jolt i needed to force a painful assessment and the decision to leave my bratty baby be.

that was a doozy of a weekend. 8 yrs of accumulated emotional fun and junk came rushing back. it was one of those rare, exhilarating moments when ive felt myself on the brink of losing control. it was as if, after so much boolshit, i had manufactured the ultimate sabotage to force a radical move. once i made the decision to leave mavin, i felt an overwhelming calm and relief. it felt like something i was entitled to keep to myself for a time.

i made the decision in may, notified my staff in june, told the board in august, and announced it to the world in october. the accumulated responses ran the gamut from sweet and unabashedly sloppy kudos to strange acts of sabotage and misdirected resentment.

re: the latter, my last few months gave me uber evidence that we hominids are a shamelessly self-involved lot who operate almost exclusively on auto-pilot. consequently, we can only empathize with people whose experiences we can relate to. our empathy stems from reminders of our own joy or suffering, not compassion. in its most freaky form, even when we are desperate for support, most of the people around us are trapped in their self-absorbed haze. unable to relate or empathize, they will operate as if nothing is happening. its a sad and lonesome realization, but in retrospect an obvious one thats better to make sooner than later. if nuthin more, its greater incentive to refuse the easy excuses to drive on auto-pilot.