the dust settles: zen lite

i enjoy undiagnosed ocd. since that fateful day a few months ago when i picked up a mac version of sim city, ive found an almost perfect creative hypnosis. after cautious experimentation, i spent several hundred hours creating my perfect gotham. 'central city' was an impressive beaut. in those quiet wee early morning hours, i built complex public transit systems that crisscrossed the grid via tunnels carved through mountains and plunged beneath rivers. miles of parks lined the perimeter of an island laden with skyscrapers inspired by a manhattan-meets-vancouver aesthetic. i was especially proud of my shore-conforming seawalls that manicured the shipyards and waterfront. at the risk boasting, these impressive public works were made while amassing a $17 million simoleon surplus and enjoying the highest mayoral rating possible! (prideful curtsy)

to many of you i sound no different than the techie geek living in his mothers basement who masturbates to the hybrid woman-cat cartoon warrior vixen he sketched. but to those of you in our large secret sim city society, i can feel your collective brows sag in genuine sympathy when i tell you that... purse, blink and gulp... central city is no more.

(moment of silence)

i was poised to enjoy a 3.5 hr flight with just me and my city. instead, not just these three hours but every hour henceforward must be endured without my simtropolis. (fyi: never restart your computer while sim city is loading). my reaction was surprisingly understated. after a few moments of disbelief, i felt a blanket of calm overtake me that a corpse might envy. perhaps its just my mandarin pop songs that keep me buoyed, but lately it seems like life dont much faze me. sure, losing ones fake city may not be the best way to demonstrate personal zen, but it reminds me that im increasingly appreciative of why things turn out the way they do and, accordingly, dont find myself resentful of the outcome. also, id rather not focus on the inordinate amount of time i spent making something meaningless that now, with it gone, seems even more pointless. i could also describe my evolved state as emotional death, but thats not flattering.

lately ive realized that time away to process the difficult environs of my childhood has helped me see that the worst is behind me and that when difficult times do arise, i can deal. its a liberating and safe feeling. when amongst others, however, given my own angry reactions to people telling me to 'calm down,' its never a good idea to ascribe your own adversity threshold to others. pants knows that you simply cant dismiss how folks feel.

sure, i miss my pritty city, but its abrupt destruction is prolly a good thing. more important than helping me acknowledge some fundamental absurdity and meaninglessness of life (im kidding), i got 3 wks before takeoff and i aint got no itinerary. so refrain from sim city, my pet! build me once, shame on you! build me twice, shame on me! get to work, marty!